Just for your Deep...

Well, the first one is just a nice ss from Star Wards: Jedi Academy.
Burn Baby Burn! Yeah, so what...I'm a Sadist..You want to fight about it?
I do look mean with a pitch fork. It brings out me cuntry herteej. And that last one is Kalin and I just waiting around....prolly on Dhev.

Eternal Cynic/Realist or A Dreamer?

Pretty often in my weeks of life, I find myself doubting people, situations, sports teams. Most anything that can be criticized, doubted upon, frowned upon or anything that I can be cynical about, I am. In my head at least, I spare everyone else (most of the time.) Examples being: Watching a football game and its crunch time, I'm sure of defeat and dread; When someone says "Yeah, lets go, I'll be there at [insert time.]" I generally doubt them.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have some good friends and family...but some people you just can't believe anything they say no matter how close to you they are.


Anyway, I was reading a book, one of the characters said (paraphrasing) that you can tell the inner being, the soul of the artist by that which they create. If say they created a statue, if it was noble, kind, defiant, tormented....etc...that's what is within that artist. So, I got to thinking about things I have, will and would create. A few words keep popping into my head when I think this topic: Stoic, Dreamer and Perfect.

Perfect: Not in the sense of I personally am perfect, in anything. Or that anyone I know is, yada yada...but I believe in perfection. Not, that I will correctly hit a bullseye on dartboard 1 trillion times out of 1trillion attempts. Perfection in situations, time, placement, that sort. Its different for each person. Being with the exact people doing the exact thing you want and it going great. That would be perfect....to me and in my senses. So, this word keeps popping up when I think about my artistry. I NEVER, in the end, settle for less. If something is important to me, I will do it one hundred times just to get it right. I am not married, but I know I will not settle (to marry) a woman I feel is in anyway not up to what I want. Not to say she won't have flaws: People like us for our attributes, they loves us for our flaws. She'll be Perfect, for me.(maybe i'm hoping to much for that eh =) But this applies in other aspects such as cleaning something, working on my computer, gaming and sometimes...just putting the coaster perfectly flush with the end of the coffee table. Wishing for perfection...doesn't sound like a cynic to me.

Dreamer: I really like The Beatles song, Imagine. I think the band A Perfect Circle did it better, but thats neither her nor there. The lyics in some ways are ideas I can relate to, though I am extraordinary Pacifist. This, dreaming, mixes in with my perfection ideas...but with other people more. I dream, that I can depend on Most, not all, people. That when pushed to decide on certain choices, my cared ones will do the right thing. I set a very high standard morally(sp?) for myself and wish others to be able to keep this disipline. To be able to use judgement, reason, intution, to realize right, smart, virtue... I think this is a cause of my cynicism, but perhaps the polar to it...its black to its white.

Stoic: I don't know who all knows, its not really something I bring up to most people. I have no desire to recieve pity or remorse from people..anyway. My Dad died when I was 16. Me, being the tough guyin my family...did not cry around anyone, always put on a smile for my mother, sister, brother all my family and friends and my girlfriend. Just the way I am. So my family, mom mainly, got together, talked it over and kept insisting I go talk to a counselor.I had no desire to do this, but if it made it easier on my Mom...okie dokie. So I go talk to this feller, a psychologist. Nice guy... real tall. Always kept his fingers locked together with both hands. I got to take one of those ink blot tests.....that was actually fun and interesting. So I talked to him about what happened, how I acted, felt you know...what you can imagine goes on in one of those ordeals. I went once a week for prolly...2 months? Anyway, thats what Mom had payed for and on the last day I told him I wouldn't be coming back anymore. So he summed up his opinion of the whole thing for me, what he felt about me and how I had taken all that had been handed to me: Stoic. This is what I want to be, who I would want my children to be ,son or daughter makes no difference. And what I wish to rub off on other people. It is my hope for others, far away from me and those closest to me.


So, in the end, is cynicism caused by the falling short of dreams? Perhaps those dreams have just not been achieved yet.

Or is Dreaming caused by the wit's end of the cycnism. Out of the spirit's desperation for hope?

Idea's...thoughts?

Oh and that perfect lady I speak of...my look something like THIS.

Laziness or a sense of lull?

Since I have been alive...or as far as I can remember... I've always been partially lazy. Not to say EVERY human being isn't lazy to an extent. However, as far as taking out the trash and "chores" that are run of the mill, I've been iffy about. Sometimes I will, but if there is a good football game on I'd just assume to tell em to go to hell. Perhaps its my perspective on these tasks and their priority in my day, days or life.

Then, though, this same sense of "not finishing the job" as I suppose would be a decent way to sum it up, is carried over into other aspects of my life.

First we'll start with real life. My entire life, without sounding boastful, I've been above average at most things I've ever given the time of day. Be it math, history, who can sweep better, and most importantly, sports. I've been playing them since I was four. I was always one of the best players, without having to put in overtimes worth of practice. I could just do the normal routine and be, still, better then most of my opponents and teammates. Genetics, perhaps, or I don't know what. Still, though, I hinder(ed) myself by not putting in that overtime, to be even better... I've always been satisfied with good enough. Which, that alone, disturbs me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of all the plays and games that could have been different( for the better) if I had more dedication to "finishing the job."

Now, we'll talk about games and gaming. My very first real online game was: Age of Empires...the original ( and best.) A real-time strategy game set in the past, using difference civilizations. At the time it had a very large following of online players, and there were people who would rank the players, clans, etc. I was, perhaps at most 9-10. And I was beating people twice or three times my age at a 'strategy' game. I was at time in the Top 25 of these rankings for the game. Even so, I would not dedicate myself to learning more and getting better...I was ' good enough.' This is the first incident.... its continues now. Take WoW for example...I (always) played a Tank. Naturally, I was pretty decent as a tank, having people ask me for groups since I generally ran my own groups. This went also for PvP, where i excelled for the amount of time put in. And now, these people are using Microsoft Excel and these advanced strategies, dissecting the game down to the .000% (I think that is redundant.) While I maintained my 'good' level instead of putting in the time to become "Great."

Also, in a lot of these things I lose interest after I have found out I'm atleast decent at it. With the exception of sports, but I stick with those because of the competition and adrenaline, and contact.

So, what does it all boil down to? Are there steps I can take to cure this? Whats my lack of motivation? Perhaps I need a woman to inspire, to be the best I can be at all things...but women thats a lot of head aches :)

Perhaps I'll grow more, physically and mentally and cure this...until then...who konws.

Isn't it odd....

As I sit here after work at 7 am, Having read some of Deepsea's and Akalla's blogs, I stumble again upon a thought I've toiled with for many moments.

The concept is this: in certain ways, I can trust people with whom I have NEVER seen, more then I can my buddies I spend every day with. Putting aside thoughts of money and things of that sort, material items that are to be trusted, since that has never came up with my online friends. Mainly, my ideas, thoughts, certain aspects of my personality, and weaknesses.

Having had many talks with people over the internet over my 10+ years of online gaming, I find myself in someways closer to those people. Of course, most of them I do not still talk to. The plague of online gaming, I'm sure you all know. Games fail, groups disperse...You know it's Sad But True -(straight from Metallica.) Asking opinions, advice on women...or anything is so much easier to ask and accept from these folks who are neutral from those of whom they speak. They merely take what information has been given and process opinions and their thoughts. So in many ways you get a better perspective.

Having been around mainly males my entire life because of sports, since I was four I've played every sport offered me up until I graduated from High school, and because of having and older brother and, I guess because from being in ' the sticks', what most would call the south....call me a Redneck, hick, ya all know the cliches......cause of all this, I with hold all emotions except anger (which as yuns might know I very rarely show.) But with people from afar, I can and do talk about stuff with which I cannot talk to my buddies , family and people I know in real life. Cause, if I showed any sign of weakness amongst my buddies...all hell breaks loose and I would never hear the end of it.


So I guess thats what this may become or is or ain't...we'll see.

I got a good one brewing but perhaps tommorow....who knows.