Eternal Cynic/Realist or A Dreamer?

Pretty often in my weeks of life, I find myself doubting people, situations, sports teams. Most anything that can be criticized, doubted upon, frowned upon or anything that I can be cynical about, I am. In my head at least, I spare everyone else (most of the time.) Examples being: Watching a football game and its crunch time, I'm sure of defeat and dread; When someone says "Yeah, lets go, I'll be there at [insert time.]" I generally doubt them.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have some good friends and family...but some people you just can't believe anything they say no matter how close to you they are.


Anyway, I was reading a book, one of the characters said (paraphrasing) that you can tell the inner being, the soul of the artist by that which they create. If say they created a statue, if it was noble, kind, defiant, tormented....etc...that's what is within that artist. So, I got to thinking about things I have, will and would create. A few words keep popping into my head when I think this topic: Stoic, Dreamer and Perfect.

Perfect: Not in the sense of I personally am perfect, in anything. Or that anyone I know is, yada yada...but I believe in perfection. Not, that I will correctly hit a bullseye on dartboard 1 trillion times out of 1trillion attempts. Perfection in situations, time, placement, that sort. Its different for each person. Being with the exact people doing the exact thing you want and it going great. That would be perfect....to me and in my senses. So, this word keeps popping up when I think about my artistry. I NEVER, in the end, settle for less. If something is important to me, I will do it one hundred times just to get it right. I am not married, but I know I will not settle (to marry) a woman I feel is in anyway not up to what I want. Not to say she won't have flaws: People like us for our attributes, they loves us for our flaws. She'll be Perfect, for me.(maybe i'm hoping to much for that eh =) But this applies in other aspects such as cleaning something, working on my computer, gaming and sometimes...just putting the coaster perfectly flush with the end of the coffee table. Wishing for perfection...doesn't sound like a cynic to me.

Dreamer: I really like The Beatles song, Imagine. I think the band A Perfect Circle did it better, but thats neither her nor there. The lyics in some ways are ideas I can relate to, though I am extraordinary Pacifist. This, dreaming, mixes in with my perfection ideas...but with other people more. I dream, that I can depend on Most, not all, people. That when pushed to decide on certain choices, my cared ones will do the right thing. I set a very high standard morally(sp?) for myself and wish others to be able to keep this disipline. To be able to use judgement, reason, intution, to realize right, smart, virtue... I think this is a cause of my cynicism, but perhaps the polar to it...its black to its white.

Stoic: I don't know who all knows, its not really something I bring up to most people. I have no desire to recieve pity or remorse from people..anyway. My Dad died when I was 16. Me, being the tough guyin my family...did not cry around anyone, always put on a smile for my mother, sister, brother all my family and friends and my girlfriend. Just the way I am. So my family, mom mainly, got together, talked it over and kept insisting I go talk to a counselor.I had no desire to do this, but if it made it easier on my Mom...okie dokie. So I go talk to this feller, a psychologist. Nice guy... real tall. Always kept his fingers locked together with both hands. I got to take one of those ink blot tests.....that was actually fun and interesting. So I talked to him about what happened, how I acted, felt you know...what you can imagine goes on in one of those ordeals. I went once a week for prolly...2 months? Anyway, thats what Mom had payed for and on the last day I told him I wouldn't be coming back anymore. So he summed up his opinion of the whole thing for me, what he felt about me and how I had taken all that had been handed to me: Stoic. This is what I want to be, who I would want my children to be ,son or daughter makes no difference. And what I wish to rub off on other people. It is my hope for others, far away from me and those closest to me.


So, in the end, is cynicism caused by the falling short of dreams? Perhaps those dreams have just not been achieved yet.

Or is Dreaming caused by the wit's end of the cycnism. Out of the spirit's desperation for hope?

Idea's...thoughts?

Oh and that perfect lady I speak of...my look something like THIS.